Dear YoungMom,
I find it absolutely amazing that we can spend all day running to and fro, chasing after little ones, busy as beavers, surrounded by people, and still feel isolated and lonely.
Isn’t that proof right there that we were made for relationships?! In the sermon yesterday our pastor reminded us that the very first thing that God said was “Not Good” was “for man to be alone.” That definitely counts for women as well! We thrive on personal connections.
Many years ago when my children were little, I remember hearing Dr. James Dobson say that women gain their worth from their families and men from their jobs. Through the years I’ve seen that to be very true. Sadly, as much as you and I may think that men should be more “connected” they aren’t likely to be. God didn’t make them that way Which is quite likely why they can leave their families and go to war and/or compartmentalize crisis’ that shake our world into a million pieces.
As you walk through the process of raising your children (and life), you’re going to need friendship and emotional support that comes from several different avenues. Expecting your husband to fill those needs will put too much of a strain on your marriage. After all, he’s out slaying dragons for the family – and coming home with his own set of “needs.” Although you may be working as well – you’re most likely a much more emotional creature than he is and needing more connection. This isn’t to say that he doesn’t need relationship – you know he does. But it doesn’t look like your need for relationships – or the depth of relationship like you do.
Last year I attended a birthday party for a friend’s son at the beach where I met “Sandy” (ha! get the pun?!) there for the first time. After talking for a few minutes Sandy and I made a connection as we shared parenting stories and learned more about each other. Literally within ten minutes, we were sharing deep personal concerns we had related to our families and the future. After 10 minutes. That doesn’t really sound that hard to believe. Does it? You know what one of our concerns was? That our husbands didn’t have enough friends to share with. HELLO?! Do you think any man would bear their soul in 10 minutes to a virtual stranger?? No. That isn’t the way God made them. We actually laughed about how wonderful it is to be women and make a connection that quickly.
Keep in mind that- just because that works for us -doesn’t mean that our husbands even want that! It’s natural for us to want those that we love to have the wonderful things we have. But, what if they don’t want it – at the level we want them to have it? Sure they need relationship and connection, but more so with you than others. And not at the level that you need it. (Oh, I wrestle with this…..)
So how’s your circle of friends? A strong circle of friends is vitally important.
Do you have good friends that will listen when you need to chat? When you need to brainstorm on parenting issues? When you want to share a funny moment? Or set a goal.
Have you made it a priority for you to be there for other young moms? To develop friendships and help walk beside them through this season? I hope so… because you will find that being there for someone else is at least as fulfilling as finding that connection with a friend to fill your empty spots.
But be careful, if you put too much pressure on anything- it will crack.
As you grow through the different seasons in your life I think you’ll see that different friends meet different needs. There really is no one friend that will fill those empty spaces. You might think there is, but time will prove otherwise. So rather than looking for that “best friend” why not instead appreciate all your friends for what they have to offer.
Maybe one is fun to meet at the park,
another listens well, and
yet another always makes you laugh.
And please………don’t compete for friends. Be secure in who you are.
Remember when you were younger and having three friends never worked? Because one was always jealous? Let’s realize – women are jealous and competitive creatures. Be secure in what you bring to a friendship that someone else may not and what they bring to a friendship that you may not.
Friends are a precious gift from God to compliment your relationship with HIm, with hubby, and with everyone else. There is no one relationship that can meet anyone’s needs.
Except yours with God.
When you’re surrounded by people and feeling a sense of loneliness – that is God beckoning you to remember where you can get your needs met – your deep heartfelt needs. In Him. With Him. Without a meaningful relationship with God – nothing measures up and satisfies.
Wishing you joy in all relationships,
If you’d like to read more about friendships visit CrystalTwaddell.com this week for her post as well as a guest post I was honored to write for her.
Bloggers:
Rachel says
Great post, Char! Isn’t it funny how different our husbands can be?
This was an interesting read for me, because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about relationships lately.
Particularly my lack of “good” friendships.
Sometimes I miss having those close bonds with other women, that I once had long ago. (I’m talking high school years). I can’t say I’ve had close relationship with others since then..
I have friends— but not the kind that I hear so many people rave on and on about.
But the one thing I DO have, is family! I grew up in a large family, and my siblings ARE my best friends!
(My hubby being my closest friend).
Do I need anything more? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I must be missing something, because others speak of tight-knit friendships so highly. Hmm..
Questions to ponder..
Char says
Thanks for sharing Rachel. I think that satisfying relationships look different for each one of us women. I’m so glad you have close relationships with your siblings. I don’t think those ebb and flow in the same way as friendships. And you share so much history!
sue says
Rachel! pick me, pick me!
Crystal Twaddell says
Char, you have so much wisdom to speak into this topic of friendship. Thankful to call you friend, and so happy to have you sharing a bit of your story on my site also!
Char says
Thanks my sweet friend! I am blessed to share on crystaltwaddell.com…. as well as share our friendship!! Hugs!
Patrick Weseman says
I guess I am different because I never gained self-worth from my job as a male. To me it has always been part of the total package. I remember having to go Little League parties and being bored to tears talking to other males who only wanted to talk about their jobs and such. Life is so much more than that. Life to me is about the experiences you have and the people you meet.
Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
Char says
So you broke the mold Patrick. Good for you! I love it!
Katrina Hamel says
My husband is actually much more open with new people than I am! That said, I feel I get a deeper emotional satisfaction from a deep conversation. I was having a tough month a while back, and one long coffee with a friend where she poured out her heart to me took away my burdens, because we were in it together. I wasn’t alone anymore.
Char says
I love that story! Thanks for sharing it Katrina. It’s amazing what that connection does to feed our souls.
Lauren Sparks says
Us “old” moms need our friends too. You have given some wise advise on how to navigate those waters. laurensparks.net
Char says
Yes we do!!!!
sue says
wise words ! pinned (:
Char says
Thanks Sue!
nylse says
I distinctly remember this phase of my life…the husband was not enough. As an answer to pray God brought not one but two best friends into my life! My life is richer because of them and I never thought I’d be the person to have best friends.
Gayl says
I am so thankful for the friends I have – online and in person. We encourage each other and remind each other to look to God. Some old friends and I try to get together once a month just to reconnect and keep in touch! Blessings to you, Char!
Char says
That’s a great way to make those friendship connections. Schulz then.
Rebecca Hastings says
Friendship can be tricky, but when we put it before God we can rest knowing that He has our best in mind always!
Char says
You’re right… there’s always another perspective. 🙂
Laurie says
When I was a young mom, hanging out with friends was one of my biggest pleasures. We raised our kids together, shared maternity clothes, toys, laughs, and tears.
Maree Dee says
God and I need to talk about friendship. I spend so much time going back and forth between two houses that I have quit meeting together on a regular basis with friends. I am long for some friendship time.
Char says
It’s a busy world we live in. And when we’re not busy – doesn’t it seem like everyone else is? Praying for you Maree…