I wrote this letter for parents of sons who are experience the sorrow of losing a friend. I heard of another young man who passed today, and this is a difficult topic to discuss with our children. Please let me know if I can pray for you or your loved ones.
Dear Son,
Life is full of twists and turns. Chock full. Some of those twists and turns surprise you joyfully and others take you by surprise.
As I watched you say goodbye to your very best friend today, I knew it had to be one of the most difficult days of your life. Actually, I thought the funeral would be cathartic, but you held strong and tough.
When you were growing up and you’d fall and skin your knee, I’d grab a wet cloth and respond, “You’re okay, you’re okay.” Being future oriented, I didn’t want to create a wimpy boy – one who cried over every bump or bruise.
Mission accomplished. What I saw today was a young man, who buried his best friend and shed not a tear. Perhaps I stifled your emotions. I realized that one day when you were little and we were playing basketball and I fell and skinned my knee. OUCH! That puppy stung. And then stung some more!!! I couldn’t believe I had told you to “shake it off” when the pain was so intense.
I am sorry!
Pain is pain. And some pain is appropriate to give in to. Losing a friend is one of those types of pain. The loss of a confidante and companion is brutal. It creates a void that can’t be denied. In fact, as friends, I’m sure you had many dreams that you talked about over the years. Dreams that included growing up together, or never growing up! Ha. I know how guys are!!
But seriously, when dreams die – it’s very hard to know what to do with the disappointment. The loneliness. The sorrow.
And when you’ve been told as a boy, and now, a young man – to suck it up and not give in to your emotions – that’s horrible advice today. Don’t get me wrong – I understand that you didn’t want to lose your composure in front of everyone. But what I am encouraging you to do is to walk through your pain.
Often guys grieve deeply and silently. I encourage you to cry out to the Lord. Let Him walk you through this. If you can, journal to the Lord your feelings, thoughts, and questions. Then throw the paper away if you want. But get your feelings out. This will be a journey. A difficult journey. And there are different stages of mourning the loss of someone we love. Typically,
The Stages of Grief are:
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
I won’t turn this into a lecture – but please take some time to look up the stages of grief. It’s a process that takes time. And it’s strange that there are stages that can be predicted but it’s true.
Be encouraged, there is no right or wrong way to progress through grief – everyone walks through it differently. Just please…allow yourself to go through it. You need to, so that it doesn’t creep up and consume you. Being a man, you probably want to think you’ve “got this.” But grief will hit you sideways and shows up as anger, impatience, or crazy thinking.
You are a strong young man and I’d encourage you to give yourself time and permission to grieve. It will take time to learn how to deal with missing someone you love. Be patient with yourself.
God is a very present help in your time of need (Psalm 46:1-2). Remember he is sensitive to all your concerns and he cares very deeply for you. Our hope should be in the one who offers hope -in Christ – he will never leave you alone (Hebrews 31:6).
I’m always here for you too.
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Michele Morin says
Oh, my.
As the mum of four boys, this piece resonates and pierces my heart. Thank you for sharing thoughts on this crucial topic.
Char says
Hi Michele, It seems so many young men are going through this horrible tragedy. I spoke to a mom who is watching her son suffer and it is heartbreaking when they don’t talk about it. You know… Thanks for stopping by. Hugs!
Joanne Viola says
Char, I am so sorry for the loss your son has experienced. It is so true that we all process our grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. You are wise to encourage your son to give himself the time he needs and to seek the comfort of God. May God continue to be with you as his mom and may He provide you continued wisdom, understanding and patience to walk alongside of your son. Blessings!
Char says
Thanks Joanne. It is very difficult to watch your child suffer – and even more so when they suffer silently. This actually was written for a friend’s son who experienced loss this week, although my son did as well a few years ago. And another friend’s son. Young men seem to suffer very privately and I wanted to encourage them to walk through it.
Monica says
This is a beautifully written article. Thank you so much for your poignant and moving vignette of helping us to understand how our sons be nagivating through this journey called life. My son lost his future father-in-law in May. He was very close to this wonderful man. My son does seem to hold everything inside. Yet I know his heart hurts….
Char says
I’m so sorry – it is so hard to see our sons walk through these tough situations. It seems too intense for youth. But how wonderful to have your support!
Lisa notes says
This is beautiful, Char. Young men need this permission as well as young women to express their God-given emotions. Grief can be such a hard season to journey through, even those of us who have gone that path before, but to a newbie, it is especially tough. I’m glad you are a guide.
Char says
Thanks Lisa – a struggle for young men.
Sue Donaldson says
You might enjoy – maybe not the right word – appreciate allison’s blog – she lost her husband last year but he was hit by a truck two years previous and she began blogging. we always had hope he would recover but then he didn’t. today’s post is especially moving: sansoxegen.com
so many stages and so many circles of grief.
Char says
Thanks Sue, I’ll check it out. So sad….
Marilyn Lesniak says
Thanks for hosting. Have a blessed and fun week.
Jaime Wiebel says
Hi, Char. Great letter to your son and anyone. Grief is hard but real and needs to be worked through. Everyone grieves in their own way but they certainly grieve through a process of emotions. Great that you shared them. Leaning on the Lord is key to getting through grief in a healthy way. I am not sure what people do without Him. Those stages God can take. He understands because He has faced them all. Thanks for the hosting the linkup. Also, I was trying to connect on your social media sites and your IG link was broken. Have a great week and I will pray for your son.
Char says
Thanks for stopping in Jaime. And thank you for the heads up on the broken link. It should be working now! All prayers are a great blessing! Thank you.
Donna Reidland says
Char, such good advice. Praying your son lets your words sink down into his heart and that this horrible loss will draw him closer to Him. Blessings from one mom to another.
Char says
Thanks Donna – there are so many young men silently suffering.. And ladies too..