Making a connection with someone is quite different from connecting. Last week we talked about how connecting through digital devices rarely fills our need for connections with those we care about. Rarely, not never. I’ve made friends through this machine. It is possible.
But we are overdosing on digital devices. Last year riding on a train, I was excited about the trip and the possibility to meet someone and engage in a conversation. By the time I put my bag in the proper compartment, got settled in my seat, I looked up and around at the passengers and noticed that literally every single person had their face in a digital device: phone, iPad, kindle. Every. Single. Person.
It has become natural to fill our spare moments with our phones – checking email, texts, Facebook, Instagram, blogs, etc. And as the norm becomes flying solo (with your device) it is turning out to be more of a challenge to learn the skill of making personal connections.
So, let’s talk about it.
The bottom line is: We long for relationship. And maybe that’s why we pick up our phones so much. Maybe we don’t want to look like, feel like, and realize that we don’t have meaningful relationships.
Can I be honest with you? If you want more meaningful relationships – it’s not that hard. Listen to Dale Carnegie’s (the self-improvement guru), advice:
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Recently, I attended a party with hubby, had a wonderful time and a couple days after the party found out that a gentleman at the party gave someone the exact same compliment he gave me…. which totally devalued both compliments (since with this particular comment – we couldn’t have both owned it) and the gentleman lost his credibility.
Let me ask you: The next time I see him and he compliments me, do you think I’ll believe he’s sincere? And what does that do for our relationship?
Without authenticity, relationship can’t really exist. We may as well have our faces in our phones with our made-up friends on social media than be in a relationship that isn’t authentic.
Learning from Dale Carnegie, here are four tips to making authentic connections:
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Become genuinely interested in others.
- Always be sure to be genuine. People can spot flattery. It’s ugly. And if they don’t see it right away, it will pop out eventually – like my friend at the party.
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Smile.
- Don’t underestimate the power of a sincere smile. A smile is welcoming, friendly and warm. Smiles are powerhouses!
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Use the person’s name.
- People love the sound of their own name. Here again, it’s important to be genuine. Overusing someone’s name can be perceived as schmoozing and that’s not genuine, its downright annoying. Say their name when you first meet and then again when you part ways. We all say, “I’m terrible at remembering names.” STOP! You’re smart. You can remember a name if you want to. Practice different strategies.
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Listen well.
- Find out what the person is interested in and talk about that.As you listen, ask questions – because you are genuinely interested. Learn about that person and what is important to them. It won’t take too long to find that out if you’re truly interested. Sincerely, make the other person feel important. Everyone loves to be validated. Find out what they are good at, where their expertise lies, what their passions are and encourage them.
Finally, as you have opportunities to make connections with others, evaluate your heart. We all want connections for various reasons. Even in those that will benefit us, we can be genuine and sincere.
There is a scripture that I am reminded of that goes like this:
For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:17
Basically, if we are disingenuous, we will be found out – like the man at the party I attended.
Don’t go there. If we’re honest, we’ve all done it a time or two. Ick.
Take time to find the value in each and every encounter, and then, pursue a relationship from what you admire about the person.
You’ll be amazed! I’d love to hear about how it goes.
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If you’re a blogger and you’d like to linkup your articles this week please click on the blue button below. Be sure to visit at least two other bloggers and say hello! Let’s use this party to build friendships and encourage one another! Have an amazing week friends!
Debbie Putman says
I value true connection, but talking to strangers is something I try to avoid. My introverted nature needs a long time to develop relationships so speaking with someone I’ll probably never see again fills me with dread. When I make a true connection, it’s usually for life. If you ever see me on a train, at a social gathering, with my nose in a book or my eyes glued to my phone screen, please interrupt me and say hello. Getting to know you in person instead of just online would be a joy.
Char says
That’s so sweet Debbie! I hope we have the chance!
Joanne Viola says
Making conversation with those I meet in public comes easier to me than making conversation at a party. Go figure. Dale Carnegie offered good advice – be genuine and smile. Everyone we meet can use a boost from a pleasant encounter.
Char says
Making conversation at parties is not very easy for me either. But I look at it as a game! I’m trying to have fun with it!
Anita Ojeda says
Great advice, Char! It’s taken me a long time, but I’m slowly getting better at listening :).
Char says
Me too Anita! Have a great week.
Amy Hagerup says
These are 4 great suggestions! I think a lot of folks have trouble listening because we are thinking of what we want to say next. And I love your point to smile! And use their name. So important.
Char says
Hi Amy! I discovered that’s my problem with remembering peoples names – I am thinking of what to say and how to respond. But I’ve stopped and made sure that I really digest their names. It’s a learning process! Still working on it!
Michele Morin says
I had a conversation (on line) with someone yesterday who confessed that she has never had a close friend. Never. My heart just aches for her. And yet I understand completely, because friendship — a TRUE connection — is such a risk, and it does take time and sacrifice. Thanks for this focus on connection during this time of year that can feel so fragmented and rushed!
Char says
It’s a great time of year to practice. I’m glad you were there for her Michele. You are a warm and loving lady!
Rachel Lee says
Well THIS was a fun post! And girl, I am SO with you on this!
I had a very similar experience a few months ago while sitting in the waiting room at the dr’s office. I may not have been looking for conversation, like you on the train, but I couldn’t help but notice that every single person there had their nose stuck in their device. It perturbed me, which in itself is strange, because if I’m honest, I frequently do the same thing. But still, it bothered me enough that I have since committed to leaving my phone in my purse on such occasions. I don’t think we (as a society) realize how damaging this kind of behavior is to developing real connections.
In any case, I’ve had some rather interesting conversations with strangers since then. If nothing else, it’s rather amusing merely people-watching. (One of my favorite pastimes) 😉
Char says
I have to be intentional too or I find myself picking up my phone too much. And I don’t want to be that person.
Cheryl Blinston says
Great advice. We are actually using Dale’s book as a guide to help teach our children how to make friends. We plan to discuss a chapter each month and use different ideas to have them practice. So many teens don’t know how to make friends in person these days because of social media and screens. Face to face conversations is different and so connecting. Thanks for your reminder.
Char says
I love “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” I used it with one of my students a couple years ago. When we started it, he rolled his eyes. By the time we finished- he was loving it and applying all the principles he learned! He still refers to it! I’d love to hear how it goes with your children!
sue says
great post, char and I know my mom had so many friends because as she said, she was genuinely interested in other people. it can be exhausting, however… (: wow – how intriguing that you found out about that guy – I wonder if he just liked seeing that particular trait in others?? or was looking for something for himself? we learn best from Jesus who connected because of love.
Char says
Love! “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
I know he’s a good guy but he went overboard and lost his integrity. A lesson for me to always check my heart.
Crystal says
Such common sense here, but it’s amazing how difficult making and keeping connections is with our schedules and busy lives. I am one to ask questions, and I’m usually surprised by how this leads to some very interesting ice-breaking conversations.
Char says
I admire that! I’m learning!!
Lisa notes says
Dale Carnegie’s advice is so true: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” And so is yours, Char. Everyone wants to be noticed and loved, and we are here to make that happen.
Char says
Thanks Lisa, I love linkups because it does build a community. Especially when we take the time to visit others and invest in them – like you do! I appreciate you!
Marilyn Lesniak says
Thank you for hosting this opportunity to bring bloggers together and share their posts. I look forward to your party each week. #OverTheMoon #WWBlogHop #ThursdayFavoriteThings
Char says
Thanks for sharing your creative postings each week Marilyn!
Cheryl says
In regard to “speaking the person’s name”, I can relate this technique when I shop at some grocery stores. I feel an instant connection when the cashier acknowledges me by name (learned from reading my check or credit card). For a moment, I am surprised when the cashier knows my name, while being impressed that the cashier took the time to recognize me outside of being a random number in the grocery line!
Char says
It’s true…when we hear our names it gets our attention and makes us feel valuable. Thanks for sharing Cheryl!
Karen Woodall says
My daughter is so introverted and shy that she has a hard time even speaking to people she knows. I constantly urge her to just say ‘hi’ and be herself. Those high school days are so hard, but as believers, we need to learn not to carry those tendencies on into our adulthood, but realize that as Christians we’re left here to be a light to others and they can’t see our light if we don’t ever reach out. thanks!
Char says
I have to force myself to get beyond myself…and it’s because I want to be used by the Lord – which makes life meaningful. Thanks for sharing Karen.
Maree Dee says
Char, Great tips on communicating. You are so right I am smart I can remember people’s names. I use that as an excuse. I will be practicing your tips.
Char says
Yay! We can do this!
Donna Reidland says
Char, what great and simple truths! It really isn’t that hard to make connections … if we’re willing to put in a little effort! Thanks for sharing.