Dear Young Mom,
Oh, you’ve heard it…..
“”Why can’t I???????”
“Why does Johnny get to and I don’t?! “
“How come I have to pay for my own cell phone and Cindy doesn’t? “
“Why do I have chores when my friends get to chill and go to the beach? They NEVER do ANYTHING!”
“Why?” “Why?” “WHY?????“
Oh, young mom, if you’re anything like me, you probably tire of answering these questions. In fact, you probably empathize with my parents’ generation that answered, “Because I said so.” And the case was closed. As kids we fretted over the injustice of that finality… and lack of explanation, but being older, I get it!
If you have a child over 7 years old, you get it too!
It’s difficult to say “No,” when other parents are saying “Yes.” It’s difficult to withhold what your children see as a blessing. And, it’s darn near impossible to go against your close friends when you see things very differently than they do – and still feel like you can maintain a friendship. My sister taught me how to do this – I’ll talk about that in another letter.
For now, I want to help you say “No,” when you know in your gut you should not say, “Yes.”
So how do you do it? Hurt the apple of your eye? Deprive your little one?
Although it’s hard, you have to be true to your heart as a mom. The gazillion times we went against the flow and my kids questioned it, we had to stand strong that we truly wanted what was best for them, when their friends had it so much “easier.” It wasn’t easy when our sons had to mow the lawn and change their own oil, when the neighbors hired out for these services. Their friends had a lot more free time while ours learned work ethic.
Remember the letter I wrote you about God’s Laws? Being a parent and having boundaries, or rules, is very similar. As parents, our rules also follow the principles as God’s, in that they are either going to set them up for 1 of 2 things:
1. Protection – from a potential harm
…OR…
2. Provision – for a future blessing
Think about it… if your child is playing kickball in the front yard and the ball runs in the street it’s very easy to tell him, “No!” when he heads towards the street. You want to protect them.
When your 15 year old daughter tells you her friends are inviting her to a party where the parents won’t be home, saying no is a little more challenging when ALL her friends are going. You want to protect her, but also help her to learn to choose good situations (i.e., position her for a future blessing).
When my children were young, it seemed I was always the mom that went against the flow. However, I took a different approach than just saying, “No.” What I found worked well was to help them think it through.
First, I explained that it is always a parent’s first inclination to say, “Yes,” if they can. We WANT to bless our children. Here’s an example:
“Why do they get to……?”
“Because, honey, parents always want to say “Yes” to their children. Saying “No” is hard. Very hard. Because we love you, we always want to say “Yes.”
“Then why don’t you say ‘Yes’?”
“Oh, I wish I could. I promise you, I will always say ‘Yes,’ if at all possible (they heard that phrase every time), but because I love you I have to tell you what I think is best for you. Since I want to say ‘Yes’ you must know that I really believe I should say ‘No.'”
After explaining how unnatural it is to say no, go on to walk them through your thinking.
“Do you remember last year when Dave had a party and his parents weren’t home? Everyone was dancing and Chelsea tripped and fell on the coffee table and ended up needing stitches. What do you think it was like without a parent there as Chelsea held her forehead with a gash on it as she bled? Do you think the other kids handled that situation well? Were they calm? Do you think they knew what to do? And now, a year later, with some of the kids vaping and drinking – without a parent home, do you think that’s a good idea?”
Pause. Silence is golden. Pause long enough for your child to come to their own conclusion. Endure the silence and don’t talk until they do. Believe it or not, this is the hard part. And if your child says, “I dunno,” walk them through the same thought process – maybe with different words, then ask the question again – and pause. Wait. Their response will bless you. If they can truly enter the scene and see what you see, they will typically make the better choice. In this way, you’re not the bad guy. You don’t even need to say, “No,” because you have taught them and shown them the better choice.
I call that, “Going through the back door” to show them why they shouldn’t/can’t. That way your child “owns” the choice and understands what’s best for them. As you walk your child through this process, the goal isn’t to be liked, but understood. And, of course, to teach your child how to think about what is best for themselves rather than just going with the flow.
Young mom, keep in mind that many parents get worn down by their children and their roles switch: Children “train” their parents to do what they want by exhausting them until they give in. Whether this scenario describes you or your neighbor, have an empathetic heart about it understanding it’s truly out of that desire to always bless their children.
Nonetheless, as parents it’s our duty to say “No,” when a situation isn’t best for our children. When you’re not sure what you should say, pause and ask God for wisdom… He promises to give it:
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5 NIV)
He gives you wisdom for your parenting. Be sure to listen and respond when He prompts you. So many times I didn’t have a clue, but I prayed. And waited for guidance. Without fail, God led me – just like James 1:5 said He would! Sometimes I’ve had to say, “No,” simply because I believe God put an angst in my heart – and thankfully my children knew to trust that. Because they knew that I always wanted to say, “Yes,” if at all possible. And he will do it for you and your children.
Here’s to saying “Yes!” as much as possible and “No,” when you need to.
Rebecca Hastings says
Oh, this is so very hard! Even with teens/tweens it can be challenging. But the good news is challenging is not impossible!
The only additional thing I would say is be willing to admit when you’re wrong. So often we think we’ve got it figured out but then realize it could have been different or we could have handled it differently. Saying I’m sorry and changing course when you know it’s the best thing to do is good for everyone too!
Char says
I agree 100%. It’s vital that we humble ourselves when we’ve said ‘No’ and withheld something that, in the end, we see wasn’t the best choice. Thanks for pointing that out Rebecca!
Laurie says
Even harder than saying “No” to your own children is saying “No” to grandchildren! I really want to say “Yes”, but, as you mentioned, need to protect them. Being the adult is our job!
Char says
I can’t imagine Laurie!!
Michele Morin says
It’s so hard not to let parenting (and grandparenting) become a popularity contest!
Char says
So so hard… even though I went against the flow- I struggled with this. Our generation hates having our kids mad at us… me included. That’s where we could learn a thing or two from our parents’ generation.
Crystal Twaddell says
“No” is always difficult, especially during the teen years, and I like your angle here. It certainly helps our kids begin to process when we ask them what they think also.
Char says
I tried to find a way to teach them that would keep teaching them when they walked out the front door..
Katrina Hamel says
I get my parents, my mom in particular, so much better now that I’m a mom too! I figure my kids will understand better when they’re older too, and hopefully be thankful for the times I said no.
Char says
They will! It may take a while.
Patrick Weseman says
So very true. We need to say No to our children and when I said no to mine I always explained why. They may not have liked it but at least I was honest with them and told them why. Working where I work, I see the worst examples of kids and I have seen many of my students end up in prison or killed over the years. A lot of it is because they made the wrong choices and no one was there to guide them.
Thanks for writing this. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
Char says
Thanks Patrick, it sounds like you have quite a ministry at your school where you work. What a wonderful honor! Especially for those kids who don’t have The best home life.
nylse says
My first inclination was always to say no. It was automatic. I had to really analyze why no was my first option. Between God and my husband, I started to lean more into yes which never came easy for me.
Char says
I was thinking about parents that have the opposite mindset when I was writing this. It’s very challenging on both ends. My struggle was countering those that didn’t know how to say ‘no’ as I tried to raise my children with boundaries and goals. God bless you for your open mindedness. And humility!
Maree Dee says
Char – Wonderful wisdom here. Saying “NO” can be oh so difficult but necessary.
Char says
Amen!
LAUREN Koepf SPARKS says
Ugh. If only my 13 year old were mature enough to draw those conclusions. She always thinks she is above reproach and will be able to handle herself even in a bad situation. laurensparks.net
Char says
That’s tough Lauren. Sometimes it helps to reverse roles and ask… “If you’re 13 year old daughter wanted to…. do you think that would be good for her? Do you think she might experience _____??” Pause. Wait. If she doesn’t see the light- Repeat. Pause wait. That’s the hard part. Wait. And then ask “really?!” Wait. Don’t say a word. Until she does. Then ask questions until she hits the right conclusion. It can be exhausting and can take several conversations. Pray for God to give you guidance. He will!! It’s amazing. Let me know… praying for you
Char says
Lauren, I’m not so foolish to say my suggestions will work, but just hoping to share encouragement. The most important thing I can say is that God perfectly picks just the right parents for our children.
Gayl says
Char, this is very good advice. i love bringing the children into the decision to let them see what we see. And, of course, ask God for wisdom. Blessings to you!