Dear Young Mom,
You know how it goes…
Your friend has a friend, whose three-year-old is reading, and you secretly start teaching your two-year-old the letters of the alphabet hoping she’ll catch on!
Your nephew started walking at 10 months and you realize that your son 12 1/2 month old should’ve been walking months ago. Suddenly, it hits you! Today is the day Junior is going to walk!
How do you deal with it when your friend’s child is “ahead” of yours? We hate to admit it, but there’s a silent competition between moms. Let’s be honest, although we pledge not to compare our children to our friends’ children, or their cousins, it’s nearly impossible to keep that vow.
Perhaps you don’t do this. Have you ever compared your baby statistics at the doctor’s office with your friend’s baby’s?! Wondering if his development is “normal.” That comparison bug is like a mosquito that sneaks in when we’re not watching!
I remember telling myself again and again I would not compare my children to other children until I’d “catch” myself wondering if my children were “behind,” or secretly celebrating that they were “ahead” of their peers.
From the time he was 8, my oldest son was on the swim team. Each swim practice, various Moms and Dads plopped in the poolside lounge chairs chatting the time away as our children swam back and forth, back and forth. (How do they do that?!). ‘Janet’ and I became friends as we had a lot in common; our younger sons were the same age and would play together as we waited for their siblings. I remember when the boys were in the fall semester of second grade, Janet was telling me how her son was struggling to learn how to carry numbers with double-digit addition. He was doing the problems okay, but struggling through. Naturally, she went on to tell me about his other classes (he was much more successful at) and details of his school and the academic advancements that he was experiencing.
Now, this will play havoc on most mother’s minds and it certainly did mine!
Being at Homeschooler I always questioning whether I was giving my children a proper education. Double digit Addition????? With CARRYING???? My head was spinning!! This couldn’t be! My son was nowhere near ready to understand how to carry numbers in a double-digit addition problem. I had to try harder!
Honestly, that was my initial reaction…. until I got a hold of myself and realized: That’s the beauty of homeschooling… If he’s not ready, he’s not ready. It will come. One day he will be ready, but not today. I could force it, but why? To frustrate us both? And make us both feel like a failure?
Young mom, that comparison can drive us to do crazy things to our children – that they are not equipped to handle. Thankfully, I trusted the process – and God’s selection of me to be his mom. Surprisingly, by the end of the year school year my son was ahead of the other little boy in his math skills. Cool! They really do all have their own timing!
Beware, comparison can WILL eat away at joy. And you need joy, and lots of it, to parent well.
Remember, there is no normal. There are statistics. A mean, median, and range that children fall within. But there is no normal. God has made each one of our children unique. It is important to understand the different stages of development and to address concerns where our children legitimately need extra attention. Take an honest evaluation to see if there are areas that need to be addressed. For example, sometimes problems with a child’s speech may not naturally work itself out – but needs expert help. Above all, be honest with yourself. On both sides of the issue: allowing your child to grow at his own pace as well as addressing concerns that aren’t going to “right “themselves.
Comparison for the sake of comparison is unfair; it’s unfair to your children, it’s unfair to you, and it puts undue pressure on you both.
So, when you catch yourself comparing your child to another:
Look to identify the uniqueness of your child and the other child. Be specific; each has distinctive strengths and weaknesses.
What else matters? Each child, yours especially :), has their own unique qualities. Appreciate them. It’s when we lose sight of those uniqueness-es that we try to mimic others and eventually lose our identity – beginning that slippery slope towards insecurity.
Here’s to enjoying every stage!
Laurie says
It is a tough lesson to learn that comparison is the enemy of joy. I can remember falling into that trap when my children were younger. Like you, I had to step back, take a breath, and remind myself about our priorities. They all turned out fine. I’m sure yours did too! 🙂
Char says
It’s funny how we put so much pressure on ourselves when we are scared that are children are falling behind. And in the end, it all works out, proving that it is not about our “plans!”
Michele Morin says
I drove myself to distraction when my oldest son was a baby, even to the point of looking at babies who were chubbier and thinking I must not be feeding him enough. What a relief that he has turned out to be a great guy with intact mental health — in spite of his mother!
Char says
Oh! We all do it! I think it’s just a natural tendency that we have to fight!
Anita Ojeda says
Great advice, Char! I find myself gettting sucked into the comparison pit with my grandson, too 😣.
Char says
It is so easy to do. Good for you Anita – catching yourself. Deep breath…. 😉
Tammy Kennington says
It seems to start when they’re infants and continues into young adulthood. God teaches us so much about loving our children unconditionally. Blessings, Tammy
Char says
That’s a good point Tammy, it doesn’t necessarily end when our children grow up. It is so important to appreciate their uniqueness.
Joanne Viola says
I have often been the “other mom” – the one whose child did not get teeth in time, walked slightly later, and the other earlier and neither was at the right time 🙂 Throw in potty training and I became a mess. My children were never aware of it but it sure made me feel insecure and inept as a mom. I am so grateful when I shared my insecurities with a wiser older woman at church and she responded, “Don’t worry. By the time they all walk down the aisle, they will have done it all.” So true and brought me much freedom. Much wisdom in your post, Char!
Char says
How precious, a simple statement from a wise woman. Sometimes that’s all it takes to change our perspective! Thanks for sharing Joanne.
Patrick Weseman says
I learned never to compare when my son was about ten. His mother put him on a travel baseball team and all the parents were really petty with each other. I decided not to play that game and sat there and let my son (and my daughter who didn’t play youth sports) develop their own gifts naturally. Sometimes I think our child’s development fuels the adults ego but then in turn it puts pressure on the kid and that leads to big problems.
Very nice post. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
Char says
I think you’re right Patrick – we do get pretty excited and egotistical when our kids do well – especially above average! And it does put a lot of pressure on them that isn’t necessary.
Lauren Sparks says
I tend to compare myself and my children. It’s a dark hole. Working on it with the Lord’s help. laurensparks.net
Char says
It is a dark hole. Are used to tell my children:When we compare ourselves to others, it always ends up in misery – either ours or the other person’s. It is hard to not go there…
susan says
Oh, Char, this is much-needed advice! We are all guilty of it, it’s true. We want what’s best for our kids but looking around at everyone else’s isn’t the way to find it. Thank you for another wonderful post and reminder!
Char says
Thanks for stopping in Susan!!
Rebecca Hastings says
Oh, comparison. Such a tricky beast. And yet it is so prevalent. I struggle a lot with comparison, which is the cousin of jealousy for me. When I remember who I am and Who I belong to it reminds me that I am enough, exactly as I am.
Char says
Perfectly said Rebecca!
Katrina Hamel says
Great post! Then there’s the mess of comparing siblings to each other! With four kids it’s a hard thing to not hold another child up as an example, after all they’re different people.
Char says
Oh that’s so true! One thing we would do when the kids were little was posted on the refrigerator each of their strengths. That Way they could see (and we could too) the individual gifts of each child. We referred to their individual strengths in conversations over and over again through the years. They’re adults and we still talk about what their strengths are. Because their differences are very obvious and can’t be denied.
Maree Dee says
Char – Such wise advise. A comparison will rob us of joy at any stage, and it isn’t fair to our children. Yes, there is a range which is good to know, but we must remember it is a range.