When you were born one of my deepest desires was that you would develop a passion. A passion that ran so deep that… you would naturally want to develop your passion and hopefully that would be your career. Boom!! I was thinking something along the lines of your love of Lego’s would lead to an engineering path, or your desire to help others would lead you to want to become a doctor, etc.
I have prayed more times than I can remember for God to reveal a passion within you. And I hope He still will. That way, you’ll know what you would be good at and you can do that for a job and career path.
One thing I’ve noticed about you (and so many other boys your age) is a love for screens: video games, computer games, tv, videos, etc. Did you notice that in your buddies?
I get it! Especially the video games you love the challenge, the action, and the thrill of getting to the next level. Who wouldn’t like that? And you are really good at it!
Last week when you asked me to play a video game with you… I was HORRIBLE! I couldn’t figure out the controller and when I finally did, I had pretty much lost the game anyway. Honestly, I felt like a complete moron. Though I love the idea of playing the games with you, it’s depressing that I’m that bad!! I was fascinated that you were so good! And a wee bit jealous…
One of my concerns is that you are so drawn to screens that you’ve stopped showing interest in other things you used to enjoy like drawing, playing board games, basketball, hockey, or bike rides. I know you still enjoy our bike rides, but as soon as we get home – you’re asking for screen time. And when you’re at friend’s houses, you seem to just play video games instead of playing outside like you used to.
I don’t want to withhold anything good from you. Moms love to see their children happy, so if I can bless you, the answer will always be “Yes!” But if I see that something isn’t good for you, I can’t say yes.
I’m interested in how we can work through this because I don’t want to restrict you from something you enjoy, yet I see that your desire for screens is out of balance. I know your heart and don’t think you really want that either.
When we talked about it before, you said you didn’t want video games or computer games to “control” you. But I see the struggle you’re having. And I want to help you. If we give in to this, it will grow and grow. That’s how unhealthy habits are born. A little at a time. We give in to a desire that satisfies us and we want it again, and again, and again.
Did you know people can be “addicted” to good things? Like food? If our desire for that “good thing” is out of control we find ourselves out of control too. Have you ever eaten something and it was soooo delicious that you wanted more and when you ate more you were too full and uncomfortable?! That’s the perfect example of how too much of a good thing is bad for us.
I’ve seen some really good things come from your playing video games. When you play video games and computer games your determination is impressive. I love that you set your mind on winning and overcoming the obstacles in the games. You are developing a drive to succeed and not give up which will help you when you face real obstacles as you grow up. But, it stinks! Because we can develop a habit, (like an addiction) to something that’s good for us! Which is why it’s so important to be disciplined in every area…so that we won’t get out of control. Discipline is a good goal – always. We’ll talk about that another time. 😉
Remember… too much of a good thing is not a good thing. That’s why we have to be careful to keep screens a “good thing.” A form of entertainment. Not a “love.” Not something that we want more, and more, and more. Because at that point, your desire will never be quenched – and it’s good to pull back a bit.
Just like overeating – when we find ourselves eating Oreos too much, we need discipline so we don’t crave them again and again. Oh, it’s crazy how our bodies seem to yearn for whatever will give us a quick jolt of happiness and then it craves that more and more. It’s almost like there’s a crazy plan to destroy us with something good (like food or screens) – but discipline helps. Developing discipline is like a muscle; it’s not easy, but necessary. Oops, I said we’d talk about that later. Let’s get back to screens…
I’m wondering….
What do you think? Do you think your attraction to screens is out of balance? When we talked about this before, we agreed on an amount of screen-time that you could have every day. We both thought we came up with a good amount. But, what I notice is you’re asking for more and more. And when I remind you of the time we agreed on – you get angry.
Let me ask you…
If you had a son, how much time would you want him in front of screens daily?
Would you want him to play outside?
Or would you be okay with him being inside most of the day?
Would you think it’s important for him to develop other interests?
What if he only wanted to play video games and he didn’t want to draw or play basketball?
How would you handle that?
I know I asked a lot of questions, but what I’ve noticed in the past is that you have a lot of wisdom when you “play parent.” When you put yourself in the shoes of a parent, you seem to know what the best thing is for your child. That always amazes me! And impresses me!
I know we can work through this. You are an amazing young man with a great heart and imagination. I want to protect that so that you can be everything you were created to be.
And I know want that too!
I love you dearly,
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Boma says
I hope this challenge is overcome soon. Thanks for sharing, Char. Blessings to you.
Char says
Actually, my children are grown! But I know so many parents struggle with this issue I thought it should be addressed… To encourage them!
Patrick Weseman says
Wow, that is how my almost 21-year-old son is. Amazing. I wish that I could write him the same letter and have him read it but knowing my son he would just toss it in his backpack and who knows. Very beautiful. Thanks for hosting and I hope that you have a wonderful week.
Char says
Well, when my children weren’t open to discussions, I find that letters are a great way to encourage them and say things that I want them to think about. I would encourage them to read it twice. Once with their eyes and once with their hearts.
George & Eunice says
Love it…still not sure whether to let my children play video games…
Char says
I totally understand! We struggled with that decision too – seeing how addictive video games were. And so we limited the time they spent playing video games. Then we did the unthinkable…..we didn’t let them continually upgrade their systems to the better model that came out each year. I think you have to follow your heart with parenting…God placed them in your home intentionally.
Maree Dee says
Quite the challenge in this day and age. I was the mean mom who limited screen time. My son is now 24 he skis, loves time with friend, hikes, and even want to spend time with us. He was always outside creating, building, and yes sometimes getting into things he shouldn’t. He has later thanked me for not allowing him to veg in front of the tv. He did still play video games in fact more than I allowed or knew but overall the limitations created a desire for more balance.
Char says
Discipline! We all need balance and it’s for our best. Glad it worked out well for you!
Laurie says
Great questions. when my boys were younger, we had strict limits on screen time, but that gets harder and harder to do. Now I have concerns about my grandchildren with this issue. My favorite line is “Go outside and play!!!” 🙂
Char says
Mine too Laurie! I have fond memories of kickball games with the neighborhood kids!
Michele Morin says
This exact conversation happens in our house from time to time.
And I’m also embarrassingly horrible at all the games!
I guess the gaming challenge is a good context for having the self-control conversation at an earlier age than we might have otherwise. Mixed blessing?
Char says
Michele, I read this article many years ago and the part about video games really stuck with me. It’s amazing that this man could translate his passion for video games into a passion for wanting to conquer something. Here it is if you want to read it: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose (the language isn’t so great but it’s an interesting message…see #3)
nylse says
I have one son. We delayed in getting him any video games for a long time (he was a junior in HS) to the point where he had developed other interests. Also, we didn’t support (i.e. buy games and accessories) so he was limited and after a while, it lost its allure. There was one time he invited a whole bunch of boys over to play games (I realized in hindsight that this was his means of fitting in). It only happened once.
I think you bargain with kids at their own peril. I bargain with adults.
I also feel that there’s too much talking about it. As a parent, if I spot a problem, the video games would be removed. It’s the same thing with phones today; if my 15 yo is spending too much time on her phone, I take it away. It works for me and her.
Char says
We have become pretty soft as parents. It was tough to know which battles to fight when my kids were young. They all seemed so important.
Cheryl says
I have had this conversation with my 13 y/o son many times throughout the past 2 years. The latest video games allow for kids to verbally interact with each other as if they were in the actual game! There are game time limits in our home but the limits often, get pushed. I do think summer is a little easier since my son is enrolled in several camps (device free) to keep him engaged with other kids and outdoors. As for the questions, I don’t think my son would be able to comprehend the relevance since he thinks video games are a great way to interact with his friends and I feel boys are a little behind with abstract thought. On the other hand, my 27 y/o nephew confided, that he wished he would have had less video game access as a teenager. He feels that it had a direct negative impact with his ability to stay focused in college. Thanks for the thought provoking post.
Char says
Thanks for sharing Cheryl. I know my sons fought the time limits too, but now insist it was a good thing.
Lisa notes says
It’s so hard to discern how to protect our children from the dangers of addictive pleasures, even if those things in themselves aren’t always bad. Idols can be sneaky things. Thanks for this, Char. May we each guard our hearts and the hearts of our children.
Char says
I agree. It takes a discerning heart and then, really, only God knows our hearts.
SUSAN SHIPE says
Oh my, did I ever write the letters.
Char says
They are great forms of communication!
Gayl says
Char, that is such a good way to approach the subject of the screen time. I was always struggling with my boys when they were younger. Now that they are adults they still struggle with balance their screen/gaming time with their other responsibilities. But they are working on it.
Blessings to you!
Char says
It irks me that these guys have fallen prey to the lure of video games. On the one hand I understand a need to chill and check out a bit…..but my heart is sad at the time that’s lost….and what could be done with it…that would truly satisfy them.
Tammy Kennington says
Hi Char,
I love the questions at the end of this article. They’ve prompted me to think about asking my son these questions rather than offering my own opinions.
Blessings,
Tammy
Char says
They worked like a charm for our kids when they were young. It’s amazing how kids know in their heart the best thing for them!
Donna Reidland says
Char, what a wise way to approach this. I’ll be pinning this one.
Char says
Thanks Donna! Have a great week!